Monday, October 5, 2009

This is serious post. It is Serious.

I really want to get back into WoW. It's probably a bad idea, because i already spend too much time on the computer in the first place, and it'll just be a horrible catastrophe again.
Forget if I've told this story yet, but WoW actually sort of saved my life...
In grade 7 i had all sorts of friends, who were without a doubt, some of the more sketchy people in my school. In grade 8, i was still hanging out with them a lot, watching as they all started smoking one by one, and getting into drugs I stayed out of it, and as a result i was ridiculed and such like any normal freak in middle school. At the beginning of grade 9, WoW was released, and i started playing with my friend. It was a whole new world (literally). I had used "the Internet" sort of before that, but this was my first time using it as a mask, so i could be someone else for a while. I was addicted from the first time i played it. I stopped hanging out with most of my friends, even the ones who actually played the game. I spent more and more of my time in the game, i still have my character. It's an undead warlock named "Racenthius". My parents kept yelling at me about spending too much time and the game "controlling my life". It wasn't. I didn't suffer in school or anything because of it, i just stopped doing stuff with my friends. In grade 10, i stopped playing, because my brother shared the account with me, and his marks WERE suffering (between you and me, Internet, they probably would have suffered anyways.). Suddenly there was a huge amount of time in my week that i had no clue what to do with. I tried to fill it with homework, and i was still bullied horribly in school. I didn't quite match stride with anyone else, so for grade 10, i mainly kept to myself, being a loner; becoming more antisocial and shy. In grade 11, i went into IB. My parents didn't think it was a good idea, they said I'd always been a slacker, and i should just stick with my mid-high grades in the normal program, be a regular old kid. I decided to go into IB anyways. IB is an advanced program, look it up on wikipedia or something. So, i tried to fill my time with homework. I ended up having more homework, and wasting the hours from 3:30-6:00 Monday to Friday anyways. When everyone else was doing work, i was shooting the breeze by myself, and when they were all hanging out being friends, i was doing work. Every hour i wasted, i thought "I should get off this game and do something. Right after this match/song/level." And so i kept going. By now i had a whole new circle of people i called "friend" even though i never heard from them. All my original friends dropped out of school pretty much on their 16Th birthday, once they could get a job. Then they worked at minimum wage, moved into a crappy apartment and stayed there, smoking a pack a day and god knows what drugs. I know at least one of them is living happily like that.
I've never been particularly good at anything. Just "more than OK" at pretty much everything. I know people who can do better than me at pretty much anything i can do. The only thing i seem to be good at is wasting my time and making myself a general impediment to people who actually are trying to work. I've never been particularly motivated to do anything with my life. I'm just delaying having to make a choice for a while. Right now my chosen path is "Something in computers" which is a pretty broad spectrum in the job world when you think about it.
Every so often i worry about this. I always go back to my mom's words to me, calling me "loner" or anti-social. I am. I'm an introvert in the biggest way possible. I never draw attention to myself, i hardly even make eye contact with people. Even when i see someone, i feel like i should talk to them, and TRY to make friends, but even then, i'd never dream of talking to them. I just sit there and hope that they'll maybe be friendly and talk to me first...

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